Its over

Back to normal tomorrow, back to work, everyone left. Travis and Jackie and their darling kids (Madelyn is on left and Jackson on right with Ames) spent the day with us yesterday and it was wonderful to get to know them a little better. Will went back to Austin this morning.

Now I need to focus on continuing my training for the half marathon in 2 weeks, and I am going to be doing alot of crocheting as I have had requests from certain grown children for crocheted beards. NOT gonna go shopping AT ALL for Christmas. Gonna get my little tree down from attic and put it up with my nativity scene collection and a few lights outside (but not today, too windy) and focus on the meaning of life and Jesus and family and relationships and just try to take one day at a time.

Thanksgiving 2011

The good part is that all my kids came over Wednesday and we ate black bean enchiladas and had a great fun time. I gave the guys crocheted hats which they loved and now want me to make hats with beards attached! We played games and it was wonderful. The other good part is that I got to visit with all my Larison nephews and nieces and the three kids to whom I am great-aunt, and was able to connect with them and have a great time, yesterday--along with seeing their mother, my dear sister! And looking forward to seeing Travis and Jackie and their 2 again today, since they decided to come to our house, yay!

The not so good part is realizing that my Daddy is really declining mentally and physically. He is even less connected emotionally to his own family and is extremely dependent on Connie and her family. Connie tried the one big family thing on Thursday and it was a bomb. Ellen and I had a good visit and Jeff and Lisa were there too and I was glad to get to commiserate with Lisa but Jeff got pretty smashed. I really wanted to drink, too, but had to drive so had a little wine myself when I got home. Anyway, I am glad Connie is there to take care of Daddy, but I really don't know when I am going back over there.

It was interesting to me to observe the difference between Ellen and myself. She really tries to do what I am calling "make nice" with everyone which is great because I'm not. I don't like that dog, I have never touched it or petted it and don't plan to. I am not going to give compliments about how nice the house looks and the multitude of Christmas decorations because I think Connie is just trying to impress everyone. The one conversation I had with her was very one-sided- it is almost impossible to get a word in edgewise and she just talks and talks about herself and stuff she has done for other people.

My youngest daughter Carol said she could really hardly stand being in the house and that is why she and Ames and their friend went down to the gazebo to play Monopoly.

Alot can happen in a year. But some of us are talking about having a picnic in the cemetary next Black Friday. We will see.

Thanksgiving, this year

I have to think about it and talk about it even if I don't want to. I just really don't like holidays. I do like the idea of getting with family, especially my kids, but it gets so complicated. And Thanksgiving was "going to Grandma's" with all the drama and her wanting everyone to dress up and use the China and people resisting. And HER menu.

So now there is Connie with Daddy wanting to have a party at my mother's house with her family and our family and her decor.

My plan so far is this:
I am not working Tues or Wed. I am going to invite my kids and see if any Larisons are going to be in town and invite them also--Wednesday afternoon/evening.

I am working Thursday--my kids will go do their Alsdorf thing.

I am not working Friday and am leaving it open for possibly going to "the Mosers".

Rachel and Geoff will be in town Tues- Fri. William will be here for a couple of days too.

I really do hope to have lots of food and fun and people!

WOMEN ONLY NO MEN ALLOWED

http://trigirlsports.com/page5

I found out about this women only mud run when I signed up for a women only half marathon. I mentioned it to a friend at work, and then she started talking it up, and now we have 8 people from work signed up plus everyone is telling their friends and it is going to be so much fun!!

Weekend

I ran another 5k on Saturday. I didn't cut myself any slack and had done a killer workout on Friday evening with Chad. So I walked part of it. Anyway, I did it in 36:03, min/mile 11:37. So I am improving. It was at Oyster Creek Park in Sugarland, which is a very nice park. Carol came with me and lay on a quilt under a tree and read. I have been trying to get her to take up running with me, but it is something you have to really motivate yourself to do. She did go around the block with me once last week.

Then we visited Hannah, who lives about 20 min away from there in Rosenberg. We talked about her wedding plans, and looked at houses on the internet, and played with her 3 kitties, and just enjoyed hanging out. She fixed us some delicious organic oatmeal with raisins and cinnamon. She is amazingly into healthy, organic food and far surpassing my fanaticism about some things. They got rid of their microwave!!

So yesterday, Sunday, my training schedule said to do 5 miles LSD (long slow distance). The purpose is to build endurance. I made the mistake of going out at 1 pm. I thought it was supposed to be cool but it was 80 something degrees. I walked more than ran but stuck to it. I am determined to do this upcoming half marathon in 3 hours or less.

Today I have blown my good eating though, as it is bosses day and we had mexican food and cupcakes. Plus I had a piece of chocolate. Good thing is, tomorrow is another day!

this and that

I am writing this from my work computer. I could just leave but discovered I could access this here. I didn't want this blog to be just a diary of facts, but I am not good at writing down feelings. I should work on that, maybe. I don't have a theme except this is my life. I don't think anyone is reading it (except for you, dear Ellen!) I have all kinds of thoughts in my head but not usually when it is convenient to write.

I am sticking with my fitness routine and am really into it now. I did a 5k last Saturday and finished in 33 minutes. I am suspicious that it was only 3 miles, not 3.1. So I signed up for another one this coming Saturday and we will see. It is in Sugarland and I will visit Hannah afterward. I am running more and continuing to train for the women only half marathon on Dec 11. And have been busy recruiting like-minded friends to do the Dirty Girl Mud Run in March. Fun!

I am accumulating shawls that I have crocheted. I intend to give them away but have a hard time with just giving them to someone to give to someone I don't know. I have crocheted 10 shawls in the last year since Mother died. And I knitted a scarf.

I finally paid someone else to clean my house, and it was so worth the money. It took 2 people 7 hours to dust and vaccuum and deep clean the crud out of the bathrooms etc. I didn't think it was that dirty but I guess it was. I plan to have it cleaned every 2 weeks. I hope to catch up on other stuff, whatever that may be.

I need to catch up with my kids. I haven't talked much to the 3 oldest in a while. And figure out Thanksgiving. Sigh.

Wedding plans

I am very happy that Hannah has set the date for her wedding- March 3, 2012. They are planning a small outdoor affair with a small dinner party after, so they can save their bucks to buy a house, and have a large celebration then. I think this is a very smart idea- so many people spend huge $$ on weddings instead of investing in the marriage. Congratulations Hannah and Matt! I just wish you would move closer to me! :)

A good sore!

I finished the Toughest 10k Kemah in 1 hour, 20 minutes, 37 seconds. Pace 12:58. My pace last year was 14:49. I am really amazed at myself. The human body can really do far more than most people give it credit for. Yesterday afternoon I watched the highlights of the Koina Ironman Triathlon in Hawaii-which I needed to inspire myself to keep on with this adventure I have undertaken. It is a 2.4 mile swim in the ocean, followed by a 112 mile bicycle ride, followed by a marathon, all in one day! Some people didn't make it, collapsing on the road, but those that did definitely have bragging rights! There was a 79 year old guy who finished it for the 20th year in a row! So don't tell yourself you are too old! I also read recently about an 85 year old woman who completed her first marathon!

I have a 5 k in October, another 5k in November, then the Trigirls Half Marathon December 11th. I want to do the first 5k in 35 minutes, the second in 30 minutes, as my personal record is 38 minutes. And I want to finish the Half in 3 hours-my PR is 3.5 hours. So I am planning to be intensively training, along with my gym time. I am really pumped!

Thoughts on Death

My mother left this earth on October 14, 2010. I wrote this mostly for my brother, Jeff, and decided to put it here, also, as the anniversary of her death approaches.

Thoughts on death

by Sara Tobin on Sunday, October 17, 2010 at 8:19am

The first funeral I attended was my sister Laura's. She was 19 and I was 21. It was a pretty awful experience. Nothing would have made it easier. As I continued through life, I still avoided funerals. I didn't like to think about death. I went through a spiritual wilderness journey, exploring different concepts of what happens at death, and when I became a born again Christian at age 27, I thought I finally had it all figured out. However, I still didn't like to think about death.

My life started taking unexpected twists and turns a decade or so ago. Looking back on it now, it seems that this was when my spiritual journey intensified. A major unexpected occurrence was that I became a hospice nurse. I had been a baby nurse--what was I thinking!!? Over the course of my experience, I was forced to confront my own PDA (personal death awareness) and re-examine my beliefs.

Death always comes suddenly. One moment we are in the body, the next moment, the body is vacated. This is true even when we watch and wait and know it is coming. It is why I stayed with my mother during her last hours. I had stepped out of the room to grab a snack, and almost missed that last breath. We hear of people being "killed instantly" and feel gratefulness that they didn't suffer. One minute they were there, the next, gone. But that death, in my perspective, is not quicker than that of my mother's. The difference is, we had time to emotionally prepare. Or did we?

I have seen quite a few actual deaths. I have seen hundreds of dying people. I am grateful that my mother didn't experience "terminal restlessness." Hospice provided a medication in that event, and it went unused. She was very peaceful in those last hours. Very little medication was needed. I have seen people, in a seemingly unconscious state, tossing and turning, moaning and crying out (not related to pain) even with heavy medication. I have talked to people who are seeing dead loved ones in the room with us. Others just point wordlessly or look beyond me. I remember only one person who was terrified by what he was seeing. I can't claim to understand it. For a while I tried to make everything I witnessed line up with my (then) fundamentalist conservative evangelical Christian beliefs. Over time, I learned from every dying person I met, as well as their families. I was privileged to work with a chaplain who truly had a healing touch from God. He would work miracles with people who were having trouble leaving this world. These were the people who had unresolved issues with family--they had failed to make peace with men and with God. Rogers, the chaplain, would just put his hands around the person and pray in whatever way he knew would reach that person's soul, and it was different for everyone. I saw suffering people become calm, and die comfortably after his ministering presence when medication couldn't help.

I am having difficulty putting my experience into words. What I am trying to say is, I learned that I don't have it all figured out. I am and will always be Christian--that is, believing that there is a God who somehow became man, and that the kingdom of God is within us, as Jesus taught. I do know that we have a soul, and that when we look into a person's eyes, we are looking into their soul. At death, that soul, or spirit, leaves the body. You know this by looking at the eyes. I believe that sometimes, as in my mother's case, it is a process. The soul is there, waiting for the body to stop. The soul may not be in the body, just nearby. I have seen people who drift in and out of consciousness in the hours before death, and I think maybe the soul is going back and forth in its effort--what I call the "in-between" place.

I realize that much of what occurs can be attributed to changes in the chemistry of the body--the effects of disease and dehydration. There is a rational, scientific explanation for everything. But sit with the dying, talk with the dying, be there at the last breath--do it enough, and you are forced to wonder, whatever you start with.

A couple of hours before Mother left this earth, I got very close to her ear, as she lay there, peacefully. I spoke to her about how she would soon be seeing Laura, and talked about her parents and brother and sister who had died. I told her that it was ok for her to go, that we would be ok, and that someday we would all be together again. As I talked to her, her breathing got noticeably faster and deeper, then went back to its pattern. Later, Rachel, and then Hannah, spoke to her as I held the phone to her ear, and I noticed the same change in her breathing. I have no doubt that it was her spiritual essence responding in the only way her physical body would allow.

I believe that that spark of life that we call soul, or spirit, comes from God at conception and returns to God at death. This is my hope, and what I take comfort from when life is hard. I don't have all the answers about what happens when we die, and I don't believe anyone living in the body does. I believe that people love stories, and that is why we have the Bible--to learn from the stories of men and myths that life is a struggle, but there is more than this life, and it is simply beyond our ability to understand.

education

My baby is a senior in high school! Carol is two years ahead, and although sometimes I have questioned the wisdom of that decision, overall I think it was a good one. Most people think she's older, and she is really pretty mature. It will be a busy year for her.

My next-to-baby is starting college on Monday--prereqs for nursing school at the community college, Lee. I am glad Ames decided not to fight me about staying home rather than going away--it feels right. What with all the struggles and transitions in his life, he needs a little more support than some. I am just happy that he is moving forward and setting goals.Oh, and he has a $5000 scholarship!

Will is starting his third year at UT Austin--not sure when first day is. He will really have a busy year, studying and working to pay his way.

Hannah is starting at the University of Houston as a transfer student. Her education has gone a bit slower, but she had to get through some life lessons first. She has attended Lee College and Wharton Jr College.

Rachel is a graduate of Wheaton College with a degree in English, emphasis on writing. Although she has worked as a nanny since then, and as far as I know will be paying on student loans for years, I have to believe the education and experiences she went through were valuable. She spent two years at Lee College in the Honors program before transferring.

Bryan got his GED at 17 and has taught himself everything he needs to know to be a successful man and world traveler. He always was extremely self-motivated even as a young child.

My oldest baby has been in the school of life for quite a while, and finished massage school this summer. He has made a good choice, and I hope he is able to finish his required massages and get his certificate soon. He will bless many with his touch.

I started out planning to write about the end of summer and it turned into this. I am so proud of all my kids. They are all unique individuals, and some have had harder roads than others. I hope they all know how much I love them and miss them, and hope they all are able to be parents so they can understand that kind of love and blessing.

Boot camp

I went to a 45 group training class and seriously at one point wasn't sure if I was going to live through it. Chad, who I had a personal training session with, invited me to join it. After I realized that it was ok if I went at half his pace, I was ok. I did feel kinda like the little ole lady, though, I think I was the oldest one in the class. I am exhausted in a good way.

New things

I went to the United Methodist Women's annual taco dinner at St. Mark's. I hope I have made another new friend--I had met Elaine before and knew that she worked out at a gym--turns out she goes to 24 and we sat together and talked and it was nice. I think she 's about my age.

Anyway, I got to thinking about all the new things I am learning and new attitudes I am working on, just since the beginning of this year.

Became a Methodist

joined the choir

walked relay for life with church group

joined a UMW "circle" which involves doing ceramics

all this means meeting new people!!

Got more serious about staying fit

decided to walk more, so signed up for a BUNCH of events

realized that learning to run isn't impossible

then realized that I needed to work out to be a better runner

so joined a gym which I swore I'd never do

(All the years I was having babies I never dreamed that I would be doing this. I used to belong to the YMCA and never liked the indoor gym.)

I relearned to knit. Not sure what I am going to do with this skill.

I kinda think that the death of my Mother in October motivated me to join the choir, cuz that was her thing, and knit, cuz she did that and I want to knit some prayer shawls in her honor, although crochet is easier and goes faster. In choir practice this week my throat was a little dry and I was coughing a little and the lady next to me gave me a cough drop and I just about started crying, cuz Mother always carried cough drops. Doing these things is good for me, but it also keeps her close to me. St. Mark's also has a bell choir and I am thinking about joining that, too, which would really be in her honor/memory.

New fitness plan!

I went into 24 hour fitness for a tour, and came out a member with a session scheduled with a personal trainer for Saturday noon. I have been avoiding gyms for years, had a treadmill and sold it, but I have been thinking about this for a while so it wasn't totally impulsive. My motivation: I don't want flabby arms! You know that middle age non tricep? NOT. Here's my stats: I am 5'7" and weigh 138# on their scale. My body fat is 38%. So even though I am not over weight, I have too much fat--healthy is less than 32 and 26 is ideal. They call it "skinny fat". So I want to make a commitment of a year, and will have to work out a schedule, which I am sure I can now that I have made a monetary commitment. :) I decided, after reading some articles in Runner's World at the library yesterday, that I only need to run 3 or 4 times a week. This morning I tried figuring out a workout on my own but it bombed.

The reason I chose 24 hour fitness over the Y or Fitness Connection is that they have an indoor pool. I want to do some water aerobics and maybe try some swimming and not have the weather be an impediment.

I am excited!!! I am going to try not to turn this into a fitness fanatic blog.

20 years

William is 20 years old today. When I look back and reminisce about his life, it seems like a flash! William is an awesome person. He grew up in the middle of four sisters-- when he was a teen he had to share a bathroom with them. He really learned alot!!! He's not afraid to show his feminine side, occasionally!A very intense kid, serious but with a great sense of humor, he loves puns and writes them. Some of that intensity translates now into what he calls social anxiety. I have hopes that as he continues living an honest life, he will be able to deal with it without medication. I have learned much from Will. In 2007, he told me that he didn't believe in God, and as a Christian this at first upset me, but it was the beginning of some radical changes in my own narrow mindset. He has love in his heart and since God is love and love is God, I realized that it is not my job to change his mindset, all I have to do is love my children.

He is a student at UT Austin--lives in a c0-op established in the 70's. Use your imagination on that one. He is a pedicabber, and will be associate editor at the Daily Texan. Major is currently government, but will probably change to English. VERY SMART GUY!

Will, if you ever read this-- I am proud of you, today!

Pneumonia

My father's wife, Connie, called me this afternoon to tell me that Daddy is in the hospital with pneumonia. I have to say that I am now grateful for Connie's presence in our lives. She is definitely a caregiver. They went on a trip to Maine, just got back this week, and he started running high fever and finally she said she MADE him go to the hospital because his breathing was so bad. IV antibiotics and breathing treatments will hopefully make him all better. You never know with old people.

Contentment, today

I am having a "me" day. Watching HGTV, crocheted a cell phone bag holder with plarn, chicken in the crockpot, a little time on facebook. It is great to be finally satisfied with the house, the living room layout with the pew and the awesome 35 dollar comfy couch from Goodwill. Carol is with her good friends, Ames and Johnny are sleeping. I am wearing the comfy cotton dress I got from Savers in Austin. I served communion at church today and it was an extremely spiritual experience. I finally got a response from the lady who will take my Mother's knitting books off my hands. I have talked to or texted all my kids this week. I am working on eating better-- made this casserole with tuna and onions, bell peppers and onions sauteed in olive oil yesterday. Ate it wrapped in organic lettuce leaf. It was good. I am planning to run a little farther every day and start upper body workout.

I feel a sense of serenity as I continue to work on living one day at a time, finding opportunities to love and serve where I can while taking care of myself. It isn't always easy, people and situations can be challenging and difficult, but working on me and leaving the rest to my higher power gives me peace and contentment.

I ran a 5k

Outriggers 5 K by the bay 7:30 am

I have been keeping up my training, running about a mile most mornings. So I was able to run the entire course with just a very short walk. I am VERY HAPPY with my time of 38:06, mile pace 12:17. I talked to this 64 year old lady who ran a 8 something minute mile, afterwards. I really want to keep on, get in even better shape. I need to do upper body work and get rid of the arm flab. She didn't have any! so I know it's possible.

Traveling with teens

Since Will stayed in Austin for the summer, I decided that a road trip there would be a nice break from reality, and time well spent with my three youngest--I can't believe they are 15, 17, and...Will will be 20 in a week! So, I made hotel reservations, and we hit the road Sunday afternoon after church. I wanted to eat at a restaurant, and they wanted to see Captain America...so we ate at the Brick Oven and after finding that the movie was sold out at Alamo Drafthouse, we found it at Tinseltown. Ka-ching! Food was great, movie was fun. But I realized that this was not going to be a cheap trip! We had a day of shopping planned, and had to eat!

Monday we went to the Capitol building, because none of us had ever been there, and it was just down the street. It is really big and pretty and its where government happens. We did the self-guided tour and took a few pictures. And tried not to get into political arguments. Well... we did, but I am no match for Will or Ames.

It was super hot by then, and we stepped into a gift shop on our way back to the car, just for the a/c. We had all agreed that going to bookstores and thrift stores would be something we could all enjoy, so I had my list of addresses from the internet ready. My GPS sometimes took us around in circles, but we did manage to have a good day!! After grabbing a bite at Thundercloud subs, we went to Half-price books, where Will and Carol would have liked to stay all day! It was conveniently next to Amy's Ice Creams, so we hung out there for a while to chill. We then hit three thrift stores and had a great time and great finds for all, including me. I found this awesome cotton dress, Indian style, I think, that fits perfectly, for four dollars!!! All the kids found clothes and shoes, and of course I had to get a couple of mugs. More $$$, but it was worth every penny. I rarely shop retail, except for clearance.

By 6 or so we decided we would just go back to the hotel room and hang out. Of course we had to eat so ordered pizza. We had fun watching HGTV for a while---somehow I have gotten addicted to House Hunters, Design on a Dime, and other such shows.

Tuesday morning after picking Will up from his digs at the co-0p, we went to Zilker Botanical Gardens (free). It was pretty, but very hot. Many hours over many years -- beautiful flagstone paths, ponds, gorgeous. Not the best time of year, though--I'd love to see it in the spring.

Then our last lunch---we went to Beets, all raw food. It was excellent--Will and Ames got actual food, and Carol and I shared a guacamole and got smoothies--mine was green and delicious. The guacamole had spinach and peas in it! and was wonderful. again, Cha-ching!! It takes mucho money to feed four people.

I am really glad we made this trip. However, traveling with teens is way different from traveling with children or sharing a journey with another adult. They are independent minded and have a different way of viewing the world. And of course, being individuals, it is a challenge to agree on an activity. You just don't do the same things you would do with a peer. And they think I am really funny and like to post "quotes" on facebook. :)

They grow up so fast.

Lunar Rendezvous 5k

I am afraid I may be getting addicted to running, at least short distance events. My chip time was 40:16 which was my goal, and even better, my pace was 12:58! I looked back at my times on other events and I was always at 14+/min mile. I did what I planned to do in my last post, and it paid off! But I need to keep training and learn to just run steady instead of trying to get ahead and wearing myself out. The fastest person in my age group did a 10 minute mile.

I am going to do another 5k in August, the tough 10k over the Kemah bridge in September, a 5 k in October, then a women only 1/2 marathon in December. So I am going to keep running in the mornings, with Sunday being my rest day.

And it rained today, finally! It was nice and misty after the run, then steady for a couple of hours. Yay.

Independence Day

I got up, with Johnny, at 5:30 am to be a part of the 22nd annual Baytown Bud Heatwave, a 5 mile run. Which I walked, mostly, but did more running than I expected. I didn't train for this, I did that 10k 3 weeks ago and I go up and down stairs at work. It was hot, it was work, and it was exhilarating. I finished in 1 hour and 11 minutes, clock time. I was last in my age group out of 8 or 9. But I didn't finish last, and I beat Johnny by about 4 minutes, much to his chagrin. :) So I was thinking, if I really trained, I could do much better. Well, I am going to sign up for a 5k in Clear Lake on July 16th, which now feels like a short race, since I have done 10k's and 2 half marathons in the last few years. I did a couple of 5k's 8 or 9 years ago and it took 45 minutes. I am going to get up early and run around the neighborhood, which is 3/4 of a mile, every morning until then. Or almost every morning. I am going to change my habits and set this goal. It is good for me to be a part of this and great for my aging body. There was a 76 yo lady there---I want to be that kind of person!

ho hum

Life goes on. Is my life boring, routine, nothing to speak of? Or are there things I would just rather not write about? Hmmm.

Battling possessions

I am in a war with stuff. I like stuff. I like furniture. I especially like having a house with furniture. However, I have this goal that I want to be unburdened. Since we lived in a huge monstrosity of a house which we totally filled up- somewhere around 3500 square feet + enormous garage, and now live in a normal 1900 square foot house with 2 car garage, it is a constant source of stress. Add to that my Mother's belongings that I brought home. So I spent a good part of last weekend rearranging furniture and boxing up some things, which I took to the Goodwill store. And I am trying to get rid of some larger items, and got my father's bookshelf that he made in college, and got a TV for the bedroom but need to get cable to it and now have books to go through.... and on and on. So I deal with it a little at a time, take time out to write and crochet and other stuff, and look forward to a day when I am unburdened.

Plano, Texas

The main thing I have to say about Plano is that it is hot, flat, ugly, and boring. And traffic is awful. People that complain about Baytown should come to Plano. At least Baytown is close to the ocean. Weather.com said 89 in Baytown, 97 in Plano.

Carol and I are here with Ames for his life-changing surgical procedure. We have been looking forward to tomorrow for several months. I am so glad to have a happy son!

Texas Heat and completing another 10k

Funfest on the Bay. Enjoy the gulf breezes and watch the pelicans. Sounded nice on paper. It was close--Texas City, and by the water. I like to set goals and pay money so that I will not get lazy. So Johnny and I signed up for the 10k.

Well, we did it!!! But it was so hot, starting at 7:30, when the sun was already getting high in the sky. We did walk along the water, on skyline drive near the Texas City Dike. No breezes, few pelicans. No portacans, and not enough water along the way. I was glad I carried my own.

I finished (mostly walking, run on a few slight downhills) in 1 hr 32 min, which is how long it usually takes. Johnny was about a minute behind me. Ice cold cloths, water, orange slices, shade---and the feeling of accomplishment once again! I won a door prize, which consisted of a sweat band, pedometer, and freezable BPA plastic cup. Johnny won a third place in his age medal!! I told him there were probably only 3 in his age group! :)

So we came home and looked through the ads we got for upcoming events. I sorta want to do this 5k at night coming up in Galveston, haven't signed up for it yet. But we DID crazily sign up for the Baytown Heat Wave on July 4!

www.budheatwave.org. That's only 3 weeks away. Gotta keep going!

Sore today, but feels good.

This past weekend we also attended the first workshop in Houston for gender variant youth and families (the four of us went) and it was informative--glad we went. I am amazed at what a variety of people there are in the world! I used to try to put everyone in a box.

Sunday- after church Johnny and I went to Jeff's where Ellen, Jeff, and I went through a couple of old trunks from our parents house. One contained mostly mementos of our sister Laura's life, and I took her well worn leather wallet.

The highlight of the other suitcase was the many letters that our parents wrote each other during their separation before marriage while Daddy got his bachelor's degree. Much interesting reading lies ahead. ! :)

Graduation--one more to go!

It was a busy weekend! The highlight was that my next to the youngest kiddo graduated high school! Although it is an accomplishment, our family is smart and we tend to take it for granted. However, I am SO HAPPY that Ames has graduated and making plans for the future-- two long years ago, I wasn't so sure it would happen. I do thank God for grace and mercy. I am proud of you Ames!

HOT. SUMMER.

June 2. After a dry, cool spring, it's definitely summer. I walked out of the airconditioned controlled environment of the hospital into a wall of hot humidity. My car thermometer said 102 degrees when I got home.

On the upside, my sunflowers are blooming. :)

May 29, 2011

I took Will, Ames, and Carol over to Bryan's house in the Woodlands. It was really great to see him and David. Even though it is in the Houston area, it is 57 miles across town. David had invented a game, something he has done since he was very small, and he used Will for a guinea pig. Bryan has a very nice grill and wonderful welcoming kitchen, and he grilled hamburgers and made guacamole. David fixed steak fries and prepared onions and mushrooms for grilling, and I brought homemade bread and brownies. It was wonderful to sit outside and visit with Bryan on his swing. He has been the most distant of my kids since their father and I divorced. After we ate, we played Balderdash, which David had just gotten, and it was lots of fun. There is nothing like family playing a game together, and that game demands creativity, which made it even more fun. The only thing that would have made it better would have been if Hannah and Rachel had been there.

Starbucks

I picked Will up from the greyhound station in Houston Thursday night and we met Hannah at Starbucks for a quick visit before she had to go to work. I really love every minute I get to spend with my kids. They are each amazing, wonderful, and unique.Will is here for a short visit and got his wisdom teeth out yesterday, then will go back to Austin where he is going into his junior year at University of Texas. Hannah lives in Rosenberg with her fiance, Matt, and is getting her Associates Degree this summer.

Singing in the choir

Shortly after we started going to St. Mark's I had a chance encounter with Mel, the choir director, at a lunch. After introductions, he asked "Can you sing?" When I hesitantly replied that I could carry a tune, he pressed on- "Can you read music?" Again, my answer was tentative. "I was taught to, but am very rusty." After we had lunch, he informed me that he was going to prepare a music folder with my name on it and expected to see my at practice on Wednesday!

So I obediently showed up that Wednesday, and plunged right in. I sing alto, and some of it was challenging. I have learned alot about "winging it" and so just did the best I could. That first Sunday, when I put on the choir robe and walked down the aisle to the front where the choir sits, I was pretty anxious. But as the service progressed, and I experienced the worship and sang the hymns and the anthem, I really felt happy to be part of something. So I have continued, since February, with a 2 week break during which I really missed it. We haven't joined the church yet, but I want to, and the experience of traditional worship and singing in the choir is a major factor for me.

Tonight I made a new friend at choir practice. I took the initiative, for a change, and after choir Carolyn and I exchanged particulars. I talke to Julie a little, too, and said hi to a couple other people. I have realized this about me-- that I could easily avoid people for a long time. So I put myself into groups where I can feel a belonging, because I need to not isolate myself, and really do believe I have something to offer.

Morning walk

I walked 5 miles this morning. It took me about an hour and a half. I have a goal-- I signed up for a 10k in Texas City on June 11. About 10 years ago, with encouragement from Johnny the marathoner, I did my first 5K. Since then, I have completed 2 half-marathons and quite a few 10ks. After attempting to be a runner, I am quite satisfied with walking as good exercise.

I woke up at my usual weekday time of 5:45. I always plan to get up then, but I have a mental battle. I was well rested, but took my time, then had a cup of coffee, checked my email and facebook, and talked myself into it. I quickly dressed, gobbled down a slice of homemade bread, and grabbed an energy bar and water, and my ipod, for the journey. The weather is reverting to normal after an unusual cool spring. Humidity up, temp near 80 at 7:30. We need rain desperately, and the misty drizzle was refreshing. I had mapped my walk through nearby neighborhoods-- and once I was on my way I was glad. I enjoyed listening to the birds for a bit, then put on my earbuds and walked with my favorite inspirational Christian songs. I always do a little running with the Newsboys "I am free to run" but generally stick with a brisk walk.

Then home to a warm bath which gets me ready for the rest of the busy Saturday.

Family relationships

Life is so full of people and events. Sometimes I feel guilty because I don't talk to my children every day or every week or sometimes much longer. I don't talk to my father frequently, and didn't call my mother often enough when she was alive. I should call my siblings more often.I purpose to be more communicative, then I fail. I tend to live in the moment, interacting with the people right here right now. I love getting phone calls from my children, although texting and email is great, too. Sometimes there's not much to say. I want to believe, and I think it is true, that we know our family is there for us, we occasionally get together, and we love each other. I often wish we were a closer knit group, but I have been inside other families in the course of my work and the ones that are "close" are also the ones where everyone is in everyone else's business trying to tell each other what to do all the time.

My mother was always involved in doing something that she found interesting, like sewing and directing a choir and singing in Sweet Adelines. She was always there, and interested for the most part, but in a detached sort of way. When I started having children, and especially when I started homeschooling, I remember her saying "What are you doing for you?" I loved being around and with my children, and sewed and quilted and baked, etc, and rarely did anything away from them. But somehow that wasn't healthy either, and probably contributed to my emotional instability.

I remember making a conscious decision that I didn't want to be detached like my parents, and wanted our family to be close. But what is close? Is it living on the same block or in the same town and seeing each other every day even when everyone is grown up? Is it being friends on facebook and keeping up with the basics? Is it knowing that no matter where you live, Mom is just a phone call away? Is it realizing that people grow and change and are imperfect but they are still family?

These are things I ponder.

May 15, 2011

It has been a great Sunday. The weather is amazing for this time of year. It got down in the 50's last night and the humidity is low which is unheard of for this time of year. The windows are open. Johnny and I walked the mile to church and back, and then this afternoon I taught Carol and Dylan to make bread. It turned out great!

I spent some time outside admiring my flowers and running wires for my vines, worked on a jigsaw puzzle, and crocheted. Tomorrow, back to work. Its been a good day.

Much ado

Last night Ames and Carol went to prom. It was preceded by much angst, and is inordinately expensive. Tickets are 80 dollars each, and it was in Galveston. They each went with dates, and purportedly had a good time. According to Ames, it is a "rite of passage," and I suppose it is. Carol will do it again next year, just for that reason. The things kids do in high school seem so important at the time. But from where I am now, it is really unnecessary. But there's no convincing them.

MAYDAY MAYDAY!

May 2011

This month is a crazy month. Ames is finishing high school. Carol is in choir and swing choir. They are both going to prom. We decided to refinance the house- closing on that tomorrow. Ames and Will are getting wisdom teeth out. Why I decided to try to write this month is beyond me. I just do things like that. So I will probably be consistently inconsistent.

It hasn't rained in forever. We had NO April showers. I do have May flowers though, because I water by hand every day.

This is me on Mother's Day in front of my front yard flower bed.

Nervous energy and melancholy

I am sometimes so hyper, I am a bundle of nervous energy. That is how I described myself to a colleague today. Later, I went to Michael's looking for safety pins and found myself in the yarn department. The only word that came to mind was melancholy. I used to embroider and sew and quilt and do all these homemakie things. That season is over, I guess because I work full time. I find my work meaningful, and I don't really want to do all those things, but it somehow affected me emotionally. So i drank one of those little bottles of wine and took a nice warm bath. I feel relaxed and I know tomorrow will be a new day with new opportunities.

Energy

It's Saturday! I decided this week not to waste time trying to sleep in, so sure enough, I woke at my usual weekday time-5:45 and got up without a fuss. I really felt great, and walked 3.3 miles in 54 minutes. That's pretty good since I haven't been training. Then I mowed and edged the front yard, and did the laundry and cleaned the bathroom and cleaned out the pantry....I was just full of energy! Now it is 7:30 and I am pretty tired. I wear myself out sometimes.

Relative importance

I really don't like to waste time. I always have many things to do. I decided to start this blog, because I want to write about my life for posterity. I am working on "My Spiritual Journey" because that seems like its pretty important. Because of this, I am not doing other things. Its always a tradeoff. And what is important today, won't be important in the future. For example, I seem to spend alot of time photographing the progress of my garden. I used to take lots of pictures of my kids, then it was all about the cats. I look forward to the day that I quit taking pictures of plants and have grandchildren to photograph.

Nature

I love taking pictures of flowers and bugs and this awesome caterpillar that was on the fennel plant.

My life today

I am what is known as "middle-aged." I have 54 years. If this is the middle, then I should live to be 108. Looking back, life is a breath. Looking forward, life is a mystery.

I am married to John Morris Tobin, almost 10 years my senior, for 11 years. I was married before for 23 years and gave birth, one at a time, to seven amazing human beings. I have two sisters (one has been gone from here for 33 years) and one brother. My mother died at age 80 six months ago, after 60 years of marriage to my father. He remarried last month. I plan to talk about these people individually in my meanderings. I realize that each one has their own story from their own perspective, but they are also part of my story.

I am a registered nurse and work Mon-Fri as a Case Manager at Bayshore Medical Center in Pasadena, about 20 easy miles from my home in Baytown. I like to crochet, do jigsaw puzzles, and walk in 10k's, sometimes. I have had a lot of other hobbies through my life, but this is mostly it, now. I like to stay connected with my children and a few others on facebook, and watch a good movie now and then. I also love to plant seeds and plants in the spring and watch how they grow.

I am a Christian. Johnny and I have been attending St Mark's Methodist Church since January although we are still members of Alliance Bible Church where we have been going since 2002. I have been singing in the choir and enjoying the many opportunities at St. Mark's, and really appreciating the richness of traditional worship.

Mostly, my days are happy and positive. I try to look for the good even in the midst of the trials that come. I have done good things, but I have also made choices that have hurt others. I have learned that it is important to keep seeking truth and to hold on to hope.

Blogging

I am trying to really understand this blog thing. I see other people's and they seem to flow and have some kind of design. So the first thing I am going to work on is figuring it out.

I really want to write about my life. I think if I did it right, it would be interesting. I tried to find an online journal/diary, but really didn't see anything I liked. So here I am again. I did the 2009 road trip blog, for which I am glad, but didn't get the technology of it quite figured out. I want the pictures that go with the text to stay together.

Also, I am working on being more transparent about my life and my choices, and the hard stuff as well as the good parts. I fight against "everything is fine." As much as I dearly loved my mother, that is a fault that I inherited from her, which I have realized makes having real relationships almost impossible. So I want to be honest and open here, not knowing who will read it at this point, or who I will deliberately share it with yet, but just wanting to write and share something that will be meaningful to both me and the reader.