My Spiritual Journey

Some people are born into a religion, live that religion, and die without seeming to question their beliefs.  I am not one of those. I am still seeking, and wandering through this wilderness called life.

When I was a young child, until I was about 15, I went to the Presbyterian Church. I was baptized as an infant and confirmed when I was 12. I went to Sunday School and joined the choir when I was 13 or 14--my Mother was the choir director. I did not have a faith life, and remember being bored with it most of the time. I did like the living nativity scene at Christmas, and got to be an angel a few times.

When I was a teen, I didn't fit in with the youth group, or so I thought. My best friend, Pattye, went to the Methodist church down the street in the other direction, and I started to go to MYF with her. I guess I still sang in the choir at my mother's church, I don't remember all the details. Anyway, that youth group was COOL- run by a woman who had very little control over the group, and any spirituality was not apparent by me. The main thing was I MET A BOY. And flirted with a few others. And felt like I fit in. Our other friend Debbie went also, and somewhere along the way we started going to the church services and one day Debbie and I decided to join the church, and just went down to the front at the end of the service. When I went home and told my mother, she was upset, mostly because I had not followed proper procedures, or something beyond my comprehension.

During the 70's it wasn't uncommon for evangelists to hold rallies in the schools. When I was 15ish, I attended a large James Robison rally. There was alot of music and preaching and I don't remember what was said really, but I was feeling the emotion and crying and at the end when they said do you want Jesus to come into your life I raised my hand and meant it, I thought, not really understanding, though. They had all the kids who raised their hand go to a back room, and all I remember about that was filling out a card with my name and address. I think my sister Ellen was there, too, and did it, too. We went home and told Mother that we had gotten saved and she just said "That's nice dears". I vividly remember that she was emptying the dishwasher.

The next day we went "riding in a car with boys", acting wild, smoking cigarettes, and generally going on with my rebellious adolescence. About a month later, I started getting mailings from the James Robison Society asking for money. I was pretty disillusioned. The rest of my high school days I went to Sunset Methodist Church and dated Mike Alsdorf, who I later married, although I broke up with him several times and dated other guys.

I didn't start really thinking about God and spirituality until sometime after I became a mother. I was working at Bayshore Hospital in the operating room, and met this guy who introduced me to Eckankar. It is kind of like an Eastern religion, and had alot of feel-good beliefs, and promoted the idea that we can go out of our body and ascend to higher and higher planes until we reach the highest plane which is pure light. Or something like that. This was in 1980, and I have since tried to forget most of it because I had some really scary experiences. I bought something like 15 books and even a children's book for my four year old. Every morning I would try the meditation that was supposed to help me leave my body and get to a higher plane. I don't want to detail it too much because I am now convinced that evil was at work, somehow. I would see  faces and other things, and  felt fear and could never completely "let go". The weirdest and somehow scariest thing was that I would frequently hear a snake hissing in the hall.

In 1984, my brother, who was around 18, started talking to me about Jesus. He had had a salvation experience and was very zealous. I was truly convinced that I wanted nothing to do with Jesus, he was just a very wise teacher, and even though I wasn't particularly finding peace, I was sure I had all things spiritual figured out. Jeff persisted though, and I finally agreed to read a book "Questions and Answers about Bible Prophecy".  The only thing I remember about that book was the statement that Satan disguises himself as an angel of light. It was like the scales fell off my eyes as I just knew in my heart that all that I had been pursuing was deception--that the light of the "highest plane" was evil in disguise. Its hard to really explain, but I just knew. And everything about Jesus made sense and rang true. I was in my room, and nothing spectacular happened, but I knew the TRUTH.

It has been said that you can't argue with a person's experience. I have learned that this is true. I also find that it is almost impossible to fully explain one's own experience so that another person fully understands. This is why each person's relationship with God is very personal.

I had found a group of homeschooling moms, who were Christian, and thus began my journey. I got introduced to fundamentalist Christianity, and came to the conclusion that these were the "real" Christians. I became rather judgmental and dogmatic, although I didn't realize it at the time, of course. I just thought that I finally had it figured out, and in my usual dogged way, was gonna make it work! I gradually changed the way I dressed, listened to only Christian music (but not Christian rock),and dutifully had many children and homeschooled them and also really tried to be a "good Christian wife."  I was totally immersed in my family, and now realize that I was trying to make each child, and their father, into the image of my perception of what a good Christian was- repentant and perfect. I was doing it to myself, too, and failing miserably.

We joined The Advanced Training Institute of America, and got caught up in legalism. I now believe that this is a cult and leaves no room for individuality. I can't bring myself to spend time talking about it, because instead of bringing my kids closer to the living loving Christ, it led to the destruction of our nuclear family, and other families we knew.

In 1999 Mike and I divorced. My whole life was a mess, and I blamed him for everything. I don't anymore, I blame Bill Gothard. It is hard to describe that time---I was in a place emotionally that I just couldn't stay. I knew something had to change, I could not continue living the way I was living. I was suffocating, and so, even though GOOD Christians don't divorce, I saw no other way out of that life. Mike must have felt the same way, because when I suggested it, he offered no argument and called a lawyer.

I quickly got involved with John Tobin, and that is another story, as is my life with Mike and all the kids. I am just mentioning the divorce and remarriage here because it was a pivotal point in my spiritual journey.  I was absolutely certain that Johnny and I were supposed to be together, but didn't know why. We married in Feb 2000, which was really much too quickly. Through a series of events we joined the Christian Motorcyclists Association that year and met a "whole nuther" brand of Christians. cmausa.org. Most of these middle aged bikers had been divorced and remarried which really gave me hope. Then we joined Alliance Bible Church which is part of The Christian and Missionary Alliance. cmalliance.org. It seemed that the people were welcoming and accepting, and it was throught these two CMA's that I gradually learned to be transparent and really understand the grace of God. After sharing about some of the rough stuff that was happening, and then saying to this lady "will you still love me?"  she said "Now that I know you more, I can love you more." That has stuck with me.

I still had prejudice and dogma in me, however, and this wasn't brought home to me until my then 15 year old child attempted suicide. I had had my head stuck in the sand about him, even though now I look back and see how neglectful I was, thinking he would just "get over it" (depression). However, this was the beginning of another spiritual awakening, and it was simply the notion that the only thing I am responsible for regarding other people, particularly my children, is to love.  God is love, and love is of God. Simple, but not always easy.

After being in fundamentalist churches for 25 years, I am finding peace at the Methodist church again. stmarksbaytown.com.  I  love the traditional service, and the opportunities for service and fellowship. I am singing in the choir, and we are considering becoming members. Membership and belonging seem to be important for me. I want to love and be loved, serve and be served.

I will never have it all figured out. I believe that Jesus Christ is the Son of God, and salvation comes through Him. I believe that God is sovereign, yet we make choices. That's hard to understand. I don't take the Bible literally anymore. I don't understand alot, but I can't not believe that there is a power greater than myself in the universe and that there is more that just this physical body and this life. I pray that God will keep holding each one of my children in his hands as they find their way through this journey of life, and that they each will see God  and know Truth. My children are the reason for my life.



Footnote: On Sunday, June12, 2011, Johnny and I officially joined St. Mark's UMC.  It feels like I have come full circle, come home to rest, found a rock so to speak.